On the trail of the Jackal in the Surrey Hills
Sunday 16th January 2005, Holmbury and Pitch Hills
Folly Factor: 9.216/10 Ignorance Intensity: 9.573/10
Well my friends here we are again, a new year, a new start but the same idiots making a mockery of that extreme, rad, pant filling sport they call all terrain velo pedalling™. The Jackal and Pale Boy arrived early for a warm up loop of the Regurgitator and Summer Lightning which was so feeble that they should have packed up, gone home and put on a Lighthouse Family lp. However, being imbeciles they stayed for the arrival of Brian and Mark and returned for another crack at the Regurgitator. Back over Summer Lightning and a long overdue return to Out On A Limbo. A miserable climb up the Long Good Friday, a piss poor attempt at the climb to Leith Tower and a break for some much needed tea and Christmas cake.
Refreshed, the idiots headed down the other side of the tower where they found some 12 year olds jumping their Raleigh Grifters off a drop of probably 75 feet. An attempt was considered then promptly ignored and off they went in search of the Quarry. An hour and 10 unnecessary climbs over a mysterious newly sprouted hill that has since disappeared later, somehow they arrive at the Coldharbour cricket pitch and the fear subsides.
A quick visit to the Deliverance shack to pray and it was all over.
In summary: beige.
Sunday 22nd August 2004, Holmbury and Pitch Hills
Folly Factor: 7/10 Ignorance Intensity: 8/10 Stacks: 1
After a 6 week gap and a foray into the darkside of lycra clad road riding the circus rolled back into Holmbury St Mary. The clowns opened the show and the folly count with a climb from the village hall up to Reservoir Dogs where the trail opening could not be found and so a painful loop was embarked upon until it was finally tracked down. A rocky bingo arm flapping descent and climb up to the reservoir and then Barry Knows Best where the stack count was almost opened with the Jackal almost totalling on the final drop.
Through Peaslake and onto Pitch Hill to sniff out some new dirt action. At Troll Bridge while the Pale Boy attempted to sort a rubbing brake pad the Jackal somehow managed to snap his seat collar for the second time in a week. Fortunately the seat post didn't sink and the ride continued, albeit with a swivelling seat. A climb up past the quarry to the summit and then back down via a fairly steep loose Crab. Halfway up the hill again and then a slippery slide down the Sphincter to be spat back out on the road to Peaslake.
A laborious journey back to the top of Holmbury Hill and then a muppet filled Telegraph Row before the final folly of the day with the Jackal flying over the handlebars in the middle of the Mutiny switchbacks. Luckily there were no witnesses and so it was an uneventful ride back to the Felday House car park and the discovery of a spooky shag teepee.
In a nutshell, Noel Edmonds.
Sunday 13th June 2004, Abdulkadir Holmbury Loop
Folly Factor: 7/10 Ignorance Intensity: 2/10
As they say in Gambia 'J'adore le piat d'or', and so my friends we return once more with news of Team Jackal. It was early, it was hot and the Abdulkadir Holmbury Loop © (endorsed by Limahl) was once again about to be unceremoniously hurled onto the barbecue. After several weeks of sun and little rain the trails were powder dry and the air was filled with the aroma of man musk. Romance seemed to be lurking around each and every corner. As a distant trumpeter blew the sweet notes of 'Lady In Red' the diabolical duo hurtled down Monkey On My Back as if their worthless lives depended on it. After a joyless climb up Chris Rea's 'Road To Hell' and a fruitless visit to the Quarry where absolutely no jumping skills were displayed it was on to the Mother and a most satisfying nibble of the Ghost, tasted for the first time in dry conditions. A tantalising Reservoir Dogs was then consumed where the Jackal found his rear Trailbear sidewalls had started splitting and the innertube had started to poke through. This was deftly patched up (see pic below) and the rest of the loop was somehow completed without the tyre popping.
In a word, pigeon.
Sunday 23rd May 2004, Redlands
Folly Factor: 4/10 Ignorance Intensity: 7/10 Stacks: 1
A leisurely jaunt around the official and unofficial Redlands trails was on the menu as Team Jackal headed out once more in true amateur fashion. A massive turnout on this fine sunny morning of 5 (Jackal, Pale Boy, Jay, Becky, Mark) meant that there was a good chance that the folly factor could rocket out of control. Today's mission was to con someone in to descending the potential rider ratatouille that is Deliverance, and that mission was accomplished with the brave effort of Mark. After a false start and and some further coercion from the Pale Boy the photo opportunity we had been waiting for happened, with the added bonus of a stack in a cloud of dust just as glory beckoned. Nevertheless, an hors d'oeuvre of fine quality.
Next a spin round the Waggledance loop then on to Wave of Mutilation and White Jam where we didn't see any of the 'No mountain biking' signs and red tape blocking off any of the trails. Honest guv. Not a sausage. Back to Coldharbour for a struggle up Regurgitator and a blast through Summer Lightning, Out On A Limbo and back up to Leith cricket pitch and down past Deliverance once more and back to the cars for a rub down with some French mustard and an individual portion of Black Forest gateau.
To sum today's ride up in a word, corduroy.
Sunday 16th May 2004, Abdulkadir Leith Loop
Folly Factor: 3/10 Ignorance Intensity: 2/10
It was 9am, the sun was shining and the trails were drying out nicely as the hapless half-wits rolled up to the Starveall car park. After last month's debacle (see below) all machinery had been serviced and with almost perfect conditions for riding surely nothing could go wrong this time? Or could it? Maybe. Or maybe not. We'll see.
Today's main course was a lightly pan fried Abdulkadir Leith Loop © (sponsored by Bisto) seasoned with Badger shit and a side serving of lactic acid washed down with a cheeky Lithuanian rosé. For starters some exploration of the Playground, up past Leith Tower into the Boneyard, a circuit of Waggledance and the Regurgitator then a blast through a rather barren (post logging) looking Summer Lightning. Out On A Limbo was in a mood for gentle smooching before the long hard soulless grind of Chris De Burgh during which a foul slander against a Trailbear was made. Downhill again via Boulder Alley and then a pant filling Devil's Crack, road climb up to Abinger rounded off with a gently souffléd Suicide Gully. One last painful climb up the Mother and another glorious demonstration of highly skilled extreme sportsmanship was complete.
Despite both bikes being serviced the previous week, the gears were jumping around like a 10 year old after drinking too many Bacardi Breezers, and once back home found that the back wheel wasn't on properly. Cheers bike shop.
Overall though, a satisfying brunch.
Sunday 19th April 2004, Abdulkadir Holmbury Loop
Folly Factor: 8/10 Ignorance Intensity: 9/10
After 12 hours of continuous heavy rain the fools arrived at the Starveall car park on Leith Hill in order debut the Abdulkadir Holmbury Loop © (in association with Tampax). The rain was still lashing down, the whole area was almost deserted and the trails had been carved into a million tyre width muddy gullies. As they set off the Pale Boy discovered that due to zero chain lubrication he only had the use of 3 gears, which due to the hilly nature of the area was likely to cause much pain and anguish, nevertheless our intrepid idiots continued on their way. Up to Leith tower then down a slippery, rooty Monkey On My Back (featuring Roots Manuva) then a climb back up towards the tower and the discovery of some new singletrack to take us down to the Mother. A debut of a pretty fearsome Ghost, climb up past Holmbury cricket pitch and a completion of Reservoir Dogs for the first time. Barry Knows Best was in a spiteful mood with some light relief in the form of a pheasant chase, then a long road climb up to the Holmbury summit, skipped Parklife as it was f****d, Telegraph Row, a moody Mutiny then back to Starveall via the Step Mother. The fools were soaked, muddy, gearless and there was even rumour of some pant filling.
Some valuable lessons were learned on this folly filled journey, however they will no doubt be forgotten and repeated again ad infinitum.
